I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
