True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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