At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
