Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
