I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
