No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
