As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
