it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize
