I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
