tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
