Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
