i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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