Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
