Your dad touched me again.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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