I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
