she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
