My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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