oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
