From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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