This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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