I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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