FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
