apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
