Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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