I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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