You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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