how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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