you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
