What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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