Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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