Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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