Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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