she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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