You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
