I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
