She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
