apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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