I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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