just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
