I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
