Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
