I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
