My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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