Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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