he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
