ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
