Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
