home. puking in laundry basket.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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