Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
