i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I intend to get homeless drunk
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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