I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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