giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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