I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
