I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
