words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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