I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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