I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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