It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You are the jesus of drinking
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
