I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
