i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
