I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
