How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
